Hi Barbra - since you know so much about American Idol, would you please answer me this question - Is Clay Aiken gay? I'm sure you know, so please tell me - I really need to know. Thank you so much. Love, Trixie.

Hi Barbra - now that Sanjaya has been kicked off (which I'm sure you had something do with), can you please tell us if he's gay? I think he is. Thanks. Love, Trixie.

Oh - I forgot - is Martina McBride gay too?

Clay is a mean top. Sangina is asexual like an amoeba.

Martina McBride is straight and a good singer. She stood out today.

How about that Lopez lady - I think she used to be a man.

Simon Cowell is Emily in disguise.

Hi Barbra here - I can personally confirm that Clay, Sangina, Martina and Loopy Lopez are all gay. So are Simon, Ryan and Paula. Randy, however is not, but he wears woman's panties under his jeans. Oh and Emily doesn't identify as gay or straight - she's more of a slut and will do anyone. Hope that answers all your questions, I'm going to get back to planning my European tour. Watch this space for my announcement! Love, Beazer.

Emily here. I am so glad to see that people worship me. All this talk of lesbianism is getting me verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves. Don't tell anyone, but when Barbra announces her European tour, I will be her opening act. Also -- you heard it here first -- I am Sanjaya. Barbra encouraged me to audition but we couldn't let anyone know that it was me. So I named myself Sanjaya and I used Barbra's hairstylist to give me new and more delicious look each night. Barbra felt that I could never reach stardom the way she did in "I Can Get if For you Wholesale." Another tidbit -- I'm going to marry Jason. Just because I can.

Hi Emily - thanks for writing. I just realized that I forgot to post Randy's drag name: Ida Slapter. Also, don't worry - I will not tell anyone your real identity. It will be so nice to have you perform for me during my upcoming European tour instead of Il Divo. I know that no one believed it when they said one of them had a crush on me, but it's very true. Since James is very jealous, I had to dump them. I was going to go solo and call my tour "Sorry - couldn't find a bird", but then Sammy woul dget upset, so Emily it is! Love, Barbra.

PS - I'm still working on my autobiography. I expect it to be published in 2025.

--Barbra
<mailto:barbra@barbra.streisand.com>

Emily, again. Thanks for responding, Babs. Do you mind if I call you that? I would call you Beazer but I know that is a pillow-talk name and I would never want anyone to think we share the same pillow. Your autobiography will be published in 2025? I'm shocked that you are releasing it so soon. After all, you first announced you would be writing it when someone wrote an unflattering bio two gazillion years ago. In the meantime, at least a half dozen fans have penned more bios. Maybe you should get with one of them because they obviously type faster than you. I will rely on Trixie to decide which songs I will sing when I open for you. I want my opening act to enhance, not overpower, your vocals. I would like to sing "Emily" as a tribute to myself. But I would also like to sing songs that glorify you. Perhaps I will sing church hymms, only I will replace all references to our Lord with your name. Some incredibly insightful Irreverent fan once suggested a modern interpretive dance for you. I'm game for that. Even thought I am quite old, I can still bust a move. The possibilities are endless. I may even be able to find a bird. I am so excited that we are planning this concert together within the secrecy of the Internet. My only worry is that your fans seem to worship me a little more than they worship you sometimes and there lies the problem. Would conccert reviews totally ignore you in favor of me being onstage? Would you just be a side note and after thought when history writes the story of your career. I worry about these things. Is Marty Erlichman available to help us sort through these important details. By the way, you must sing "People" and "Evergreen" because audiences would revolt if you didn't. Perhaps we could get Sanjaya involved on how to maximize my exposure and hair choices. And just because this is a secure web site and no one will see it, I must tell you that I love you with all my heart and soul. I hope that whenever you sing "The Way We Were" that you will not be thinking of me.

--Em